Blonde Ambition Taking The World By Surprise One Glittery Step At a Time
1. When It’s Your Birthday
We understand it’s your special day, really, we do. But you’re the twelfth birthday we’ve seen today and to be perfectly honest, we really just don’t care. We just want to do our jobs and go home. PS. Looking at us with a goofy smile and puppy dog eyes isn’t going to get you a free dessert, so save yourself the begging face and just go to Sprinkles later.
2. When You Come In 15 Minutes Before We Close
This makes us want to put arsenic in your food. Around this time, the servers have closed out most of their checks, the cooks and chefs have started putting food away and cleaning the grills, and bussers and dishwashers have cleared almost all the dishes and washed them to prepare to go home. When you come into a restaurant 15 minutes before we close, that means ALL those people get to stay an extra hour because you couldn’t eat at 8 like a normal homosapien. When you come in that late, every minute you’re sitting at that table is another minute a whole kitchen staff has to stay on the clock, bussers and dishwashers have to wait for your dishes, and your server can’t leave to go home until you sign your credit card slip. Be considerate - eat at a normal time. At some point we would all like to go home and have dinner too.
3. When You Don’t Control Your Kids
Restaurants are fast paced. We moved quickly because we have a LOT to do. When you let your spawn run around unsupervised, they get in the way. They run at our legs and bump into us, and chances are, we’re probably holding a tray full of cocktails, plates full of hot food, or dirty heavy dishes. So unless you want your kid to smell like risotto and get brain damage from dishes being dropped on his/her head, please keep your children under control.
4. When You Sit At Your Table For Hours
This is what most restaurant employees refer to as “camping out”. This is not a good thing to do. Servers make their money from tips. Which means in order to make a decent amount, we have to serve a decent amount of tables. When you sit there for three hours, you’re holding up one of those tables. And where we could have made $20 or more in tips from people that could have been sitting there, we’re making $5 off of your one table and we’re not happy about it. If you want to sit and tell your blind date your life story, go somewhere where someone’s income isn’t dependent on turning that table. Now, if you are the kind of person who sits at the table until 2 hours after we close, well, to be frank, you are a heinous jerk. Because, again, WE CAN’T LEAVE UNTIL YOU DO.
5. When You Ask Stupid Questions or Order Something That Isn’t On The Menu
At this point we would like to smack you square on the forehead. Don’t go into a restaurant that specializes in seafood and french fries and ask if they have anything vegan or gluten-free. When you do that, we put you into the idiot category. You wouldn’t go into a sushi restaurant and ask for a cheeseburger, would you? So why would you ask such a ridiculous question at my restaurant? If there aren’t little stars next to items that correspond with a key at the bottom of the menu that puts those stars next to vegan/vegetarian/gluten-free items, then we simply don’t have them. And asking us won’t make them magically appear. Also, don’t ask for cheddar cheese mashed potatoes when the only options on the menu for mashed potatoes are bleu cheese and garlic. If it’s not on the menu, we don’t have it! That goes for passionfruit iced tea and strawberry lemonade, as well. Just be normal and order something we actually have.
6. When You Send Food Back
I’m sorry if there was a smidgeon too much sour cream on your baked potato. Really, I am. But that is no excuse to send it back. That food goes into the trash. It’s wasted. And the money that people spent to make sure we had things like baked potatoes gets thrown down the drain. There are people all over the world who are starving, and they would love that potato with a little extra sour cream. Just because you complain and send it back and don’t have to pay for it doesn’t mean that WE don’t have to pay for it. WE pay for all that wasted food. So next time, please just suck it up and scoop out some of the extra sour cream with your spoon and just eat your damn potato like an adult.
7. When You Don’t Tip
This is the ultimate insult and if you are one of these people, you belong in a place that is opposite of heaven. Servers work hard for their money. Sometimes I work a 10 hour shift. I’m constantly on my feet, carrying heavy plates and trays of drinks, and getting stuff spilled on me and getting attitude from people who wanted their fries crispier. Not only that, but that extra few bucks you leave behind doesn’t go in my pocket. First, I have to give about half of that money away. Where does it go? To the other people who helped make your experience enjoyable. It goes to bartenders who make your martinis, bussers who clean up after you, line staff who make sure your food comes out the way you ordered it, food runners who bring it to your table, and hostesses who make sure you get that one booth next to the window. That money pays a lot of different people. It’s income to a lot of different people. I rely on tips so I can go grocery shopping, put gas in my car, feed my pets, and just LIVE. Best of all, I tip based on my SALES. Not on my tips. So if all night, I made 0% on all my tables, at the end of the night I would have to pull out my wallet and pull out $100+ to pay all those people BECAUSE IT’S POLICY. So that “0.00” you wrote on the tip line? Thanks for that, because now I literally have to pay for you to eat at my restaurant. Don’t stiff your server because your steak was medium instead of medium rare - we don’t cook the food. Don’t stiff your server because your appletini wasn’t strong enough - we don’t make the drinks. All we do is take your order and do everything within our power to make sure it comes out right. We also stay on our feet for hours, deal with your obnoxious children, clean up after messy people, get food spilt on us constantly, hold our bladders for an impressive amount of time, and walk around a plethora of food-covered tables STARVING so we can make sure YOU leave with a full tummy. Please just tip 20% - we only leave with half of that and we need to eat, too. Be kind. If your server seems a little off, they aren’t doing it because they want to be bitchy, chances are, there is something else going on. We deal with the same life drama as you, we just have to pretend it’s not happening to us. One of our bartenders had to plaster on a smile for 8 hours a few hours after her dog had passed away. And another server had to act like sunshine and flowers after the death of her really close friend. A bartender’s car was stolen out of the parking lot once and she had to act like nothing was wrong. If we seem a little off, chances are, we are going through something, but please remember that we’re doing our very best to hide it. Don’t stiff us because you think we’re being rude. We’re just trying to get through the day.
8. When You Wave At Us or Yell “MA’AM!” Or “‘SCUSE ME!”
We will purposefully not come over to you if you do this. It’s extremely rude and unnecessary. As a cocktail waitress, at my job, I run a 13 table section BY MYSELF. If there’s 4 people at each table, that’s 52 people I’m taking care of at once. AT ONCE. And I have to keep each and every single one of those humans happy. So when you wonder why it’s taking me a couple minutes longer to get to you, it’s not because I’m sitting in the back texting or eating or ignoring you just for the hell of it. I’m probably dealing with some kids’ crushed up chicken tenders on the floor or getting yelled at for someone’s water having cubed ice instead of crushed ice in it. I’m busy and I promise you, I’m doing the very best I can to make sure you’re happy. Please don’t yell “Ma’am!” or ” ‘scuse me!” It won’t make me come to you any faster. Please don’t wave at me. I will simply wave back and keep walking. I will get to you as soon as I can. Be patient, and try to understand that you are not the only human in the restaurant.
The moral of the story is, BE NICE TO YOUR SERVER. Don’t tell us to get a “real job” - to us, it is a “real job” because it’s what helps us pay the bills. We go through a lot of crap every day and we still have to smile and be ridiculously kind or else we go home without money to pay for toilet paper, and that sometimes still happens even when we ARE ridiculously kind. We’re simply trying to make a living so we can pay our bills, just like you are. Respect us and we will respect you.
There’s no need to be embarrassed. At some point we’ve all been curious about dating apps. How About We, OkCupid, and Plenty of Fish are just a few of the many that have piqued the interest of the single females who sometimes feel like looking further than the local watering hole for a date. Then Tinder came along and took us all by storm.
This app knocked the other apps into left field by excluding from it some of the most irritating steps that most of us go through when it comes to virtual love. With a sleek and simple design, Tinder is easy to use for even the most technically insufficient of people. Unlike Grindr, which is for gays only, Tinder can be used for both sexual orientations. Most dating apps require extensive quizzes and questionnaires and a whole library’s worth of information about yourself to make an account. Not Tinder. Tinder obtains all your information from your Facebook, automatically, so you don’t have to spend hours thinking about your favorite hobbies and where your ideal date would be. Tinder does the work for you, and best of all, it keeps all that information at a safe minimum. Tinder displays only your first name, five pictures from your Facebook (of your choosing), as well as a vague mile-radius of how far you are from who’s looking at your account. If you have any common interests or friends with the viewer, it shows them. You can choose to write an About Me, or you don’t have to. Best of all, messaging is restricted to only those you approve. That’s right. No creepers.
Here’s how it works - if you come across someone you like and you say “Yes” to them, it logs that away in little private Tinder files. If and when they say “Yes” to you, you get a cute little notification informing you that you have a new match - then and ONLY then can the person message you! No messages from scary old guys…what a revelation! With the app soaring up in popularity, more and more people are joining every day, making the Tinder database a growing display of plenty of interesting people. Here’s a list of some of the guys you’re bound to run into in your search for romance.
Happy hunting. ;)
1. Guy Who Really Loves His Dog.
Yeah, he may take you out. But something tells me you might have to fight Scruffy for a spot in his bed.
2. Really Really Sensitive and Romantic Guy.
He enjoys long walks on the beach and crying like a baby while watching the Notebook. Watch out - you could have a stage 5 clinger, here.
3. Guy Who Thinks His Abs Will Lure You In.
Unless you’re going to be shirtless with a bag over your head on our first date, this really does me no good.
4. Guy Who Wants His Swag To Be Felt Through The Phone.
It’s like a 3D movie, only it’s swag. And he’s got enough of it for the both of you.
5. Guy Who Uses Celebrity Photo Instead Of His Own.
Why Mr. Downey Jr., I had no idea you were only 27! Is Tony your middle name?
6. Really Depressed Guy.
I’m sorry the dating apps are not working out for you. It’ll get better. Please don’t jump.
7. Guy Who’s Too Cool To Look At The Camera So He Looks Away.
Yes, the overall attractiveness of your ear is definitely going to make me click yes. And what nice sideburns!
8. Emo MySpace Guy.
Together you will take many a mirror pic in his pink bathroom of anguish.
9. Weird Candid Photo Guy.
Do you and your turkey leg come here often?
10. Car-Selfie Guy.
With the focus of a shopper on Black Friday and the coolest shades he could find at Walgreens, he will get you to every date safely and on time.
11. Guy With Other Guys.
Either he’s the least attractive one in the group or it’s a 7 for the price of 1 deal!
12. Yearbook Picture Guy.
"Andrew graduated as champion of the chess club and aspires to one day meet a great girl on a dating application."
13. Duckface Guy.
Hey buddy, only one of us is allowed to make that face in this relationship, and it won’t be you.
14. Bondage Scary Mascara Guy.
50 Shades of omgwtfisthat.
15. Perverted Guy.
Nothing gets me hotter than staring at another chick’s lady bits.
16. Too Close To The Camera Guy.
That’s a really lovely eyeball, but I’ll need to see more of you to make an educated decision.
17. Really Attractive Model Guy.
Yeah. Right. Like he has trouble finding dates. Even when one of these pops up, most of the time they’re prettier than we are, so we click no due to our own insecurity.
18. Guy Who Has Photographic Evidence Of His Awesome Lady Catching Skills.
He’s a winner. The picture and dazzling smiles say it all.
19. Guy Who Likes Weed.
He’ll present you with a beautiful bouquet of weed lollies wearing his lovely hash scented cologne.
20. Really Soulful Musician Guy.
Beware, he may go Taylor Swift on you if things don’t work out.
21. Guy Who Loves Alcohol More Than He Will Ever Love You.
He’ll ask you out to his friend’s frat party, and he’ll show up at your house drunk. You knew what you were getting into.
22. Guy With Girlfriend.
Something tells me if HoodStar’s chick finds out he’s on here, she’s gonna whoop his ass right into the next hood.
It’s been awhile since I wrote, I know. Truth is, I didn’t really have any interesting things to say. The holidays are my favorite time of year, and my most-anticipated. This year I practically clawed my way through Thanksgiving, and the minute it was over, I promptly put up all my Christmas decorations. Now that Christmas is over, I’m hesitating to take them down. They give me the best feeling and good feelings are somewhat needed right now. During this Christmas season, I felt the sting of being single more than ever, and the holidays were kind of hard to get through. Don’t know how I would have done it if I hadn’t had my warm and loving family by my side. By the time the clock struck midnight on New Years Eve, I realized that the most important thing I had learned from 2012, despite my breakup and everything, was how to be happy on my own….just me…no man involved. And for me that was HUGE. I realized I’m not READY to be with anyone right now and that I want to focus on myself. Last year I was crying because I was alone, this year I choose to be alone. I choose to focus on myself, rather than some relationship. So even though last year was mostly full of pain, suffering, and heartache for me, I would have gone through it all over again, because it taught me to be okay with just myself. And that, was something worth toasting to at midnight on New Years Eve. What did 2012 teach you?
My amazing dinner skills.
Steamed squash & zucchini (steamed with a REAL wooden steamer! Blimey!)
Gorgonzola cheese, baby spring mix, & balsamic vinegar & olive oil salad.
Trés magnifique and vair vair delicious!
Some of my friends have recently become single. I just recently went through a horrible break-up myself, and I know how heart wrenching it feels. You feel like you’ve just been punched in the stomach…like you can’t breathe, right? It’s terrible. And while oodles of time may be the sure cure, I have a few suggestions you can try in the meantime that helped me fight my way through the heartache.
1. CRY. I know it’s the last thing most of us feel like doing, but the truth is, you need to see yourself as a plugged sink with the water on. Eventually, all that emotion is going to overflow, and when it does, it won’t be pleasant. Let yourself feel the heartache…the sooner you start crying, the sooner you’ll stop.
2. TURN ON YOUR FAVORITE SHOW. When I was devastated over the loss of my relationship, the only thing that seemed to cheer me up was watching every single season of all my favorite shows. I watched every single episode of South Park, Grey’s Anatomy, and Gossip Girl. It kept my mind off of the fact that I was alone, and that helped more than anything.
3. TURN IT OFF. I know most of us go CRAZY without our phones, but if you are anything like me, you’re probably sleeping with your phone under your pillow, hoping you’ll hear from your long lost love. I know it sounds pathetic, but most of us have been guilty of this at some point. So save yourself the agony and turn the damn thing off. The last thing you need at this point is Facebook, Twitter, and text message checks every five minutes. Give it a rest so you can rest too. If you don’t want to turn it completely off, at least turn on airplane mode.
4. GET SOME SLEEP. Another thing that helped me when I couldn’t stop choking on my own misery was lots of sleep. Your body is under stress…you’re grieving the loss of someone very important to you. Take a Benadryl and get some much needed beauty sleep. Think of it this way; it doesn’t hurt as much when you’re in dreamland.
5. CALL THE GIRLS. Catch up with friends and put your mind on something other than the split. Go shopping, have a sleep over, buy a man-pinata and smash it to bits. Whatever you do, if you’re doing it with your gal pals you’re much more likely to enjoy it more.
6. READ THE BIBLE. And by Bible, I mean Why Men Love Bitches. It gives women a whole new perspective on love, life, and themselves. Get your power back with this National Best Seller…I guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself after you read a few chapters.
7. SHOP. It’s called retail therapy for a reason…need I say more?
Now, there are two huge sins that a lot of women commit right after becoming single…they may seem like they will help you, but they will only hurt you.
NO DRINKING. This is usually the first thing many of us do wrong. It won’t help. Unless you’re willing to lock your phone in a safe and put on a chastity belt, I wouldn’t recommend breaking into the bottle. Alcohol doesn’t make you feel better…it numbs you, and then you wake up feeling just as heartbroken, and now HUNGOVER. Avoid the booze until you’ve calmed down a bit.
NO REBOUNDS. As much as you feel like seeking revenge by hooking up with a hottie, RESIST TEMPTATION. Afterwards you’ll feel empty and guilty and new boy will only make you think about your old one. Let your wounds heal before you hop in the sack with a new dude. You’ll thank me later.